Mesh Blog

  • Home
  • Thoughts from 242
  • The Best Things To Do This Week
  • The Kitchen Sink
  • Dating Dish
  • Home/
  • The Kitchen Sink/
  • Love, Apology and Forgiveness
September 23, 2015
blog4

Love, Apology and Forgiveness

Jessica Coyle/ Leave a Comment/ 4117

Zeke’s an improv buddy of mine I treasure for his weirdness, a quality which somehow manages to be both relentless and endearing. He’s someone who always comes at an issue from an unexpected angle, which makes him both an excellent improviser and someone whose opinion I seek and respect.

We were sharing a giant bowl of kimjji jjigae in a Korea town restaurant before class when the talk turned to love. He and I are both avid online daters and we shared our stories of good dates and bad, as well as some analysis of former serious relationships. I shared my normal spiel of how my romantic bad luck is probably due to my being attracted to funny men, who are famously known for being on the immature end of the adult spectrum.

Zeke listened as we both angled for the best vegetables in our stew. I finally finished my chronological narrative, ending with someone melodramatic like “and that’s why I’m doomed to be treated badly.”

He gave it a second, sipping at some rice wine. “That’s interesting,” he finally said. “What do you think they’d say about you?”

what I would look like if I were a symmetrical brunette

what I would look like if I were a symmetrical brunette

For the hours I’d spent crying about exes, for the blogs I’d written, for the letters I’d penned, I don’t think I’d ever asked myself this question. I’d certainly never been called upon to talk it through over banchan and rice cakes.

I said something that I hope was thoughtful but which was probably glib and the conversation moved forward. I didn’t stop thinking about it, though. What would my exes say about me? What sins have I committed that this or that ex might, in a moment of reflection, share with a friend?

I’m certainly not innocent of wrongdoing.

Maybe part of why I and so many women dwell on the sins of our lovers is that true regret and forgiveness are in short supply during a breakup. There are plenty of accusations, and some desperate promises to change, but by the time the parties are ready to do serious reflection, the opportunity to make peace is generally over.

broken heart

I hate unfinished business. I want every ending to be stamped closed and every goodbye to be satisfying. If I were world dictator, I’d force everyone I’ve ever had conflict with to sit with me in an arbitrated court where I could expose wrongdoings, apologize where necessary, and distribute and accept forgiveness like a benevolent queen exchanging favors of state.

This is obviously never going to happen. For one thing, it would be incredibly boring to everyone but me. For another, I am not yet world dictator. The men and women in my past that I’m no longer speaking to aren’t going to come to my doorstep so we can chat inner peace.

So. What can I do? I can try to forgive them, as best as I can, though I haven’t been very good at that so far. I can forgive myself, though… eh, I think I’m still too busy with the active self-abuse to seek forgiveness (a post for another day.)

My inner critic is such a bitch.

My inner critic is such a bitch.

Perhaps the reason I haven’t been so great at forgiving is that forgiveness is a hollow act in isolation. It makes me a victim and puts the burden of sainthood upon me, requiring a gentle benediction that still leaves me feeling wronged. YOU hurt me. YOU misled me. Oh God, it’s gonna happen again.

Alright. Here’s what I’m going to try. I’m going to confess my relationship sins here, in a sort of data dump, and just hope that the universe forgives.

If you’re part of the Coyle 2016 World Dictator Lobbying Campaign, have fun parsing through these and figuring out who I’m talking about.

To someone: I’m sorry that I wasn’t more supportive of you. You needed a pal and I showed up with judgement. I miss you. I hope you’re happy.
To someone: I’m sorry that I’ve been distant. I don’t make enough of an effort. Being busy is a shitty excuse.
To someone: I’m sorry that I put my inexperience on you. You wanted to have fun, I wanted to be in love, and I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. (Repeat this one many times.)
To someone: I’m sorry I wrote about you in a blog without enough obfuscation.
To someone: I’m sorry I let my jealousy affect my actions.
To someone: I’m sorry I lashed out. Gosh, I can be nasty. Thanks for not making a big deal about it. You’re amazing.
To someone: I’m sorry.

Apologizing is good for us. Mayo Clinic replies that there are numerous benefits to forgiveness. In what seems like a rather un-doctorlike plea to the spirit, the Clinic advises that “whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.”

I’m sorry. I forgive you.

Feels good.

Share:
Tags:
apology breakups dating forgiveness friends love online dating psychology
← Previous Mesh Date Night: The Best Things To Do This Week
Next → Mesh Date Night: The Best Things To Do This Week

Written by Jessica Coyle

ESL teacher, improviser, blogger

View all articles by Jessica Coyle

Website: https://hopefuldisasters.wordpress.com/

Related Articles

  • I'll get there.

    Just Don’t Give Up, Man

  • blog4

    10 Ways To Get Out Of A Lame Date: Part 1

  • blog11

    Summer Date Duffel! Everything You Need to Date this Summer

  • blog3

    Thanking Gender Fluidity

  • how it is every time I hang out with my girls

    7 Signs It’s Time For A Date With Your Girls

Leave a Comment Cancel Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular

  • 128248935

    We See You and Welcome You

    1727036 Views
  • blog5

    I am the Bad Girlfriend: Dating and Therapy

    990166 Views
  • me with the guys who messaged me this week

    White(ish) Lies and Dating: How Honest is Too Honest?

    753461 Views
  • blog2

    Dressing For The Woman I Want To Feel Like

    989644 Views
  • basically Dima.

    Walking A Thin, Slutty Line

    1035280 Views
  • Bjango-Purple-1440x900

    What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

    787885 Views
  • eye

    Eye Contact: The Most Flirtatious Form of Body Language

    791991 Views
  • blog6

    Love with a Mismatched Sex Drive

    1028689 Views
  • blog8

    What Does That Gift Mean?

    1029177 Views
  • Man in suit with microphone making funny faces

    Date Recap: José the Comedian

    1031632 Views
  • image

    What’s Your Dating Spirit Animal? Our 9 Favorite

    832992 Views
  • Photo by Clayton Hauck for Second City

    Improv Your Relationship

    1036136 Views
  • translater-interpreter

    What is Wingman in French?

    832530 Views
  • teach

    Online Dating for Love and English

    729330 Views
  • Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 4.34.06 PM

    5 Online Daters Sound Off – Part 2

    979088 Views
  • I mean, lookit these baby blues.

    I’m Bisexual: Why aren’t I ruling the dating world!?

    987949 Views
  • tumblr_mk6cfiQWkW1rc7lofo1_500

    What Their Apartment Says About Them

    989008 Views
  • tumblr_nfglrhyQyq1sgpnrko1_1280

    Monday’s Mix: Water Came Down

    985623 Views
  • or-advice2

    Advice That’ll Get You Fired

    784134 Views
  • date3

    Online Daters Sound Off On: First Dates – Part 1

    785938 Views
  • Screen Shot 2015-02-01 at 2.07.42 PM

    Monday’s Mix: Teen Bop

    1028034 Views
  • blog1

    The Curious Joy of Horrible Dates

    1023502 Views
  • date3

    Online Daters Sound Off On: First Dates – Part 2

    682755 Views
  • fun-date-ideas-for-summer1337755774-jun-20-2012-600x400

    Ready, Set, Date

    831217 Views
  • Central Park

    10 Better NYC First Date Ideas

    831812 Views
  • kristen-wiig-as-annie-in-bridesmaids-2011

    14 Amazing Responses to “Why Are You Still Single?”

    695892 Views
  • What a week!

    Pre-Beta Week 1: Giveaways & Site Updates

    1033315 Views
  • Can you say "sexy-time?"

    Love and Roadkill

    1030738 Views
  • Capture345

    How to Keep the Fireworks Alive in Your Relationship

    829816 Views
  • red flag

    6 Hidden Dealbreakers and How to Spot Them

    836940 Views
  • doggy-bag3

    Doggy Bag Style

    974830 Views
  • tumblr_mxv2elVCOq1qhq5ibo1_1280

    Monday’s Mix: Start New

    973598 Views
  • Dating and Emojis: The How-To Guide

    Dating and Emojis: The How-To Guide

    1003226 Views
  • tumblr_nawbz75pj51seg94oo4_1280

    10 Creative DIY Dates

    981961 Views
  • Dealbreaker-08

    What’s Your Dealbreaker This World Cup?

    1020553 Views
  • Courtesy of informationtechnologyschools.org

    How to Bring the Romance into Online Dating Messages: Poetic Tricks for the Digital Age

    1730964 Views
  • mockup

    Mesh Makes us Fall in Love with Online Dating Again

    1707078 Views

@Follow Me

Follow @MeshBetter
    There is an error in twitter widget, please make sure that you have set up the Twitter API settings

Who are we?

The Mesh Blog team is a patchwork of smart and savvy 20-somethings passionate about dating, relationships and everything in between. Follow us as we laugh, love, live and dish all about it.

Tag Cloud

bronx brooklyn brooklyn dates Cheap Dates christmas date ideas date night dates dating dating messages dating profile dating tips Dealbreakers DIY dates events fashion features free dates fun fun dates funny holidays improvements interviews love manhattan manhattan dates Monday's Mix music new york new york city New York dates NYC NYC dates NYC dating online dating playlist queens relationship relationships romance things to do updates whimsy women

© 2014 Mesh Labs Inc. All rights reserved.

  • Mesh
  • Home