We all have characteristics that we want out of a lover, ranging from “symmetrical breasts” to “never uses baby talk” to “calls his mom frequently” As we grow, the list usually evolves with us. Maybe it gets shorter, maybe it gets longer, maybe for a while it disappears and then comes back again with “practicing Catholic” added or deleted. College me had a list with two line items.
– likes me
– not a proven murderer
Oh, self-hatred. These days, my list is longer.
– funny
– sexy
– handsome
– kind
– likes me
– not a proven murderer
I’ve held onto this list though it’s changed from boyfriend to boyfriend, year to year. When I dated a stand-up comedian in Korea I briefly removed “handsome” until I fell in love with his odd teeth and hipster beard, and then “handsome” was back on the list. When I dated a sexy neighbor I erased “kind” long enough for him to curse at me for putting water in his ice tray and call me pathetic for wanting to spend time with him. Putting it back on the list has been part of my healing process.
I talked about my list recently with an uncle’s husband. We discussed how a lot of growing up is figuring out what we want but being open to change depending on the person. He and my uncle are pretty inspirational to me, because they found each other after a full adulthood of chasing dreams, moving around, and dating the wrong people at the wrong time. Anyone who defies the narrative of “married by 35 or doomed to a pit of barren vipers” is so exciting.
“Have you made a list of how you want to feel in a relationship?”
Huh.
Of course I hadn’t. I’m so used to sublimating my own feelings in sacrifice of the relationship (imagine that word in a glowing, holy font) that I hadn’t considered the possibility. So what I called my mom crying at 3:00 in the morning again? He gives me butterflies, dammit! He’s so funny/sexy/exciting!
I went home that night and made a new list.
How I’ll Feel in the Right Relationship
– supported, both in my goals and my feelings.
– respected and respectful
– comfortable, but not bored
– entertained and entertaining
– excited
– challenged (intellectually/physically/spiritually)
– equal
– loving and loved
– beautiful and desired
The men I’ve dated in my past, good and bad, sweet and nasty, have fit my attributes lists. Even the one I discovered was dating two other girls with a wife back home was funny, sexy, handsome, kind, liked me, and committed no murders (to my knowledge.) They all would have failed my second list, though. Every single one.
What are the things you wish you’d started prioritizing years ago? What’s on your list?
