Welcome to Part 2 of our candid interviews with current online daters! Last week we asked five daters about their dealbreakers, messaging filters and what they’re looking for from online dating. In this week’s edition, things get a little weird as we check in with our daters about creepy dates, odd encounters and bizarre messages. And of course, we wrap things up with everyone’s thoughts on how the ease of online dating is changing the way we think about finding love.
Have you ever encountered a creepy person through online dating?
I know people have had legit creepy situations, I think mine falls into the semi creepy category. I had to block a guy for the first time recently. He asked if I was into a particular sexual fetish. I said no. He then demanded my phone number. I said no. Then he proceeded to have a complete meltdown saying some pretty awful things about himself and about me. It was just so off-putting. We’re strangers. You don’t know me, but I now feel like I know a lot about you. Would you act like that if you met me in person?
Do you think the online experience has changed the way people think about dating?
I go back and forth on this. I think it makes people feel like there is always someone else out there. That’s a good and bad thing. It’s good in that if you aren’t truly happy in the relationship you have, you know you can get back out there. It can be bad because some people could constantly just be looking for the next best thing.
Anything else you’d like to share about your views or experience with online dating?
I haven’t been at this very long so I understand I’ve had pretty limited experiences. I wouldn’t say I’ve had any great dates, but the ones I’ve been on have been pretty OK! I had a good time with the guys I met. They were nice. We chose well. We just didn’t click. So I’ll still continue this experiment, but it does take a lot of energy and effort. Then again, I understand you can’t just conjure up a relationship out of thin air. 
What’s the best place you’ve gone on a first date after meeting someone online?
I turned on a dating site in my hometown and went on a date to a bar with someone I had never known – but my high school biology teacher and my best friend from kindergarten were the only other two people in the bar.
Do you have a particularly weird online dating story to share?
My current boyfriend moved in on our first online date. He showed up at my place and never left. It’s been over 3 years.
Have you ever encountered a creepy person through online dating?
I haven’t really because my natural creep filters are pretty high, but there was this one guy…
He was 5 foot 3 (I’m 5 foot 10) and he said he was recovering OCD. He wasn’t Aspergers or nerdy at all, he was very social, but in an odd, controlling way. He was unable to communicate about any detail in the relationship, he’d just completely drop out – if I asked him a question he’d literally hang up the phone rather than answer it. While I was dating him he worked behind a computer, but claimed to passionate with natural farming and going that direction – and I got that this was because he wanted to heal the world of all its imperfections. His OCD, he revealed to me, had manifested itself in his obsessive need to catalog all of the pornography on the internet (he didn’t actually WATCH the stuff, he just cataloged it).
He was incredibly OCD about his health, getting constant work of all kinds done – everything from myofascial release to chelating to random treatments I didn’t recognize. He then began moving this obsession over to my health, deciding that I too would not be complete without these treatments. The clincher was when he gave ME a diagnosis that he’d gotten through describing my “symptoms” to his psychotherapist.
Ah, and lest we forget: he was obsessed with squirting and convinced he knew more about my body than I did in that regard (sadly, he is not the only man I’ve met with this predilection).
There’s really no punchline necessary, but a couple years later I came across his profile on a dating site and it said that he was gay. There’s like, a dissertation in self-hatred and sexual orientation in this story.
The weirdest message you’ve ever received is…
Weirdest, dunno – but I know the one that I hated the most. I had a photo of me in a headstand and a prominent Los Angeles yoga teacher who I recognized from his photos wrote “Clever, every woman’s boobs will look perky upside-down”.
It wasn’t the implication of saggy boobs that offended me, it was that this guy assumed that I was shallow, self-conscious, deceitful, and manipulative in his statement. Plus: he’s a famous yoga teacher, so the fact that he sees the world through those old-fashioned eyes is a bit horrifying.
Do you think the online experience has changed the way people think about dating?
I am not sure. I actually don’t have much dating experience from before online dating was an option (such as it was, way back when). I don’t really know what things were like before, even though I’ve had a lot of “offline dates” too – they were always against the context of online dating being an option.
I don’t think that online dating has necessarily changed the way people think about dating YET, but now that so many people are participating in online dating, it’s possible for statisticians and psychology experts to collect real, massive data sets around dating and gender and love and romance. I think as this data begins to be parsed we will learn more and more.
I do remember the first time I opened up an online dating site and I was like “OMG, it’s a MENU!”. As a woman – I’m rarely declined for a date, so for me it felt like suddenly being able to order food delivery online, when before the only options were to go to a restaurant. It just cut down a lot of the work involved.
Anything else you’d like to share about your views or experience with online dating?
Online dating is REALLY, REALLY different depending on your gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and more. I feel pretty lucky to be female, straight, and poly in the online dating game – I basically get my pick of the litter and because of the message filtering on Mesh I rarely have to read creepy, offensive things from anyone.
I sometimes want to cry when I have to look at online dating through some of my friends eyes and see how it brings out some awful things in people. The experience of online dating is RADICALLY different for different people. I am really encouraged to the tools evolving to encompass this, and are trying to bring the same user experience to people regardless of who they are and who they date.
What’s the best place you’ve gone on a first date after meeting someone online?
His bangin’ apartment! The views! 😉
It’s almost always dinner/drinks. And most of them tend to disappoint me with their restaurant choices.
Do you have a particularly weird online dating story to share?
There was that time when he came to meet me in black cutoff jean shorts and sandals, and then proceeded to check his phone every few minutes. That was terrible.
Then there was the guy who rode his bike to meet me, and as he got off it, I noticed he was COVERED in mysterious bruises. His response when I asked him about it: “Oh, I don’t really know.”
Turns out he was a HUGE druggie and had gotten evicted from his Co-op for having too many raucous parties.
Have you ever encountered a creepy person through online dating?
On Scruff/Grindr, there are tons of guys who give off that creepy vibe. So I’ve “encountered” them in the sense that they message me and their profile just screams CREEPSTER!
But then I ignore or block them right away. Other things like Mesh, OKC and Tindr, not so much, thankfully.
The weirdest message you’ve ever received is…
“Hello I from Bulgaria want to be your submissive pig bottom boyfriend please marry me I make you happy with my hole.” (I cleaned up the spelling)
Do you think the online experience has changed the way people think about dating?
Well it’s now an acceptable avenue to meet people through online dating. Back in the day, like even as recently as five years ago, there was a lot of stigma around a woman saying, “We met online.” It wasn’t socially acceptable. They (my female friends and family members) just all thought online dating would ONLY lead to crazies or murder/dismemberment. But now EVERYONE is online. And we’re all so glued to our devices, head down all the time. How else are we gonna find our Mr. Right, long sigh…
Not so much for the gays, ’cause we’re crafty and ahead of the curve. 😉 We’ve been online, ahem, “dating” since AOL days. Anyone remember gay.com?
I think the ease with which the gays can get laid now is… not any different from back in the day. We can get laid all the time, if we choose to (standards be damned). But now online dating can actually lead to more than just a hookup, which is a nice turn of events.
As with everything else in life, the online dating experience has its pros and cons. I think it’s good to have a way to get to know someone, or screen them, based off their profile, and their interests. But I also think we’re becoming too selective/nitpicky/accustomed to swiping left right away that we are potentially ignoring someone truly great. The ease with which you can “pass” on a person, I think, is sad in that it’ll shape future generations’ behaviors. You’ve heard of instant gratification. Tindr and OKC and the rest breed Instant Nullification.
The other thing to consider, which I’m telling myself this right now, is: Think about a good friend of yours. Now go back and read their texts/emails and even their online profile, if you’re privy to. Are they all perfect and grammatically correct? No. But you love your friend anyway right? Yes. Because how someone comes across in a medium meant for shorthand is one thing. How they are in real life is another. Similar applies to their profile. They may seem like the GREATEST most adventuresome person, or not, but their online representation is just one part of their actual puzzle. In other words, think about that the next time you swipe left AND right: What you see will probably not be exactly what you thought you’d get . The fun’s in the mystery!
Do you have a particularly weird online dating story to share?
One time a girl told me she accidentally had sex with a third cousin she met on Tinder…and she wasn’t kidding.
Have you ever encountered a creepy person through online dating?
Yes. Told me she saw us getting married before we even met.
The weirdest message you’ve ever received is…
“Let’s see what you’ve got before I straighten my hair.”
Do you think the online experience has changed the way people think about dating?
Yes. It isn’t as sacred. Now it’s too convenient. No one looks for excitement anymore. Now it’s a numbers game. More dates more chances at love.
Anything else you’d like to share about your views or experience with online dating?
It’s not as scary as it sounds.
What’s the best place you’ve gone on a first date after meeting someone online?
A guy once took me to a Broadway show for our first date, which I thought was a bold move. Especially because the show was The Performers starring Alicia Silverstone and was a romantic comedy set at the Adult Film Awards in Las Vegas. I think he was clueless about the content of the show before we got to the theater. I loved it.
I also drunkenly ended up at Dave and Busters in Time’s Square once. That turned out to be one of the most fun first dates I have ever been on.
Do you have a particularly weird online dating story to share?
Last year a girl invited me to see a stand-up comedy show at a bar for our first date. Turns out she was performing in the show. I met her for about 30 seconds before watching her act which included a sexually explicit bit about a one night stand she had had with a guy about a month before. I guess that’s one way to have that conversation. Watching her stand up actually ended up being a great icebreaker, we ended up hitting it off and going to her place. A few days later she asked me to dinner and I accepted, however she then bailed on that dinner saying she would reschedule and I never heard from her again. Maybe she just wanted a lesbian story for her act? Guess I will never know for sure unless she pops up on Comedy Central someday.
Have you ever encountered a creepy person through online dating?
I dated a girl who was really into Britney Spears. Like really REALLY into Britney Spears. I also had a French guy once order a pitcher of sangria right off the bat and then started to tell me, no teach me, what American girls are all about and what they are looking for in men. He was a few years older than me and seemed to really want me to hang off of his every word and just soak up his wealth of knowledge. After chugging sangria to try and end the night as quickly as possible I think I ended up telling him that what this American girl was looking for in a man was a vagina. This was the date that made me say goodbye to bi forever.
The weirdest message you’ve ever received is…
I went on a hunt and really didn’t find a lot of weird stuff. I can share my most recent threesome inquiry. “This is really aggressive and probably annoying but I think you’re beautiful so just wondered if you’d be open to couples?” The message is nice enough and they are both very pretty. I was out to drinks with a few friends last night and we got to talking about online dating and they think I should give it a try. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it but then I realized that they are only 24. That’s just a bit too much from me to wrap my head around.
Do you think the online experience has changed the way people think about dating?
Oh 100% yes. The more dates I have gone on the more I hone in on what I am really looking for. Which is both a blessing and a curse because it helps me avoid old mistakes but probably makes me overlook people based on silly criteria. I also have a lot of opinions about straight dating vs. gay dating online but that’s a whole other thing. If you’re interested let’s get a drink and talk about it sometime 😉
Ultimately all of my more “serious” relationships have been people I have met offline.
Anything else you’d like to share about your views or experience with online dating?
Well, I haven’t found the one yet but I have had a lot of fun looking and I have learned a lot about myself. The hardest part for me is that when you meet someone from a dating site the expectation is that you will either hit it off romantically or you will never see each other again. The stakes are so low that the odds one of you won’t find a reason to just move on to the next person seem pretty slim. There are just so many other options that the littlest things can turn you off and turn into deal breakers. Why put up with something you don’t like when there are tons of other possibilities for perfection waiting in your inbox?
Oof, that got cynical…
When it comes to any kind of dating online or off I think the bottom line is that you just have to keep on meeting new people until hopefully one day, you don’t. I just got a message from a girl who loves sci-fi, musicals, sports, “science-y stuff”, and reading…we are off to a good start.
