I love my boyfriend. Just so you know, he’s going to read this, so don’t think that I’m going behind his back or anything (hi baby!)
Jihoon and I have so much fun together. For our six month anniversary recently, he bought a cork memory board with lots of fun events and stuff we did together over our time dating (our first date was The Martian, and he put little hearts all around the tickets.) Yes, he is adorable. It’s obvious.
He doesn’t want to have sex with me.
When I first realized this, AAAAHHH!!! Then I calmed down. Whew.
I don’t have such low self-esteem that I think this is because of me. I haven’t had MANY boyfriends, but I’ve had enough to know that I don’t become like some kind of marine animal in the sack (eee!!! eeeeee!!! that’s a dolphin sound, which is a sound I do not make in bed.) The few times we have had sex, he has enjoyed it. I believe Jihoon when he says this because he’s not a liar.
It’s weird when everything else seems perfect, you know? We make each other laugh so much I’ve fallen out of bar stools and during the big snow storm this year my sweet Jihoon actually laughed so hard he fell into an enormous bank of snow on our way to the subway. He made it out okay, but his iPhone will never be the same.
I’ve asked every question you probably have. Are you gay? (No judgement- I take fashion classes so most of my male friends are gay.) No. He doesn’t fancy men at all. Are you not attracted to me? No. He is attracted to me, more than he is attracted to anyone else. Does he masturbate? Not really. Sometimes. Does he watch porn? Occasionally, pretty typical “amateur” videos on XTube. Why doesn’t he want to have sex? He just doesn’t. He’s not a very sexual person. That’s it.
I have never been in this situation before, but I find myself not scared or uncomfortable. I don’t want to leave my sweet, funny, caring boyfriend, but I don’t want to be limited to an unfulfilling relationship. Recently Jihoon and I had the “what are we going to do about this?” conversation and it was way, way less scary than I thought it was going to be.
I’m back in the online dating world, a place I never thought I’d have to go again after Jihoon and I had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. I’m not looking for something to replace my boy, but I’m going back in there with my his blessing, which feels really good. He even helped me set up my profile! He did want to be cropped out of one picture I had with him in it because woooooah weird.
Maybe we’re not meant for one partner in this world, you think? I asked Jihoon if he wants to set up a profile too. He doesn’t want to, but I’m not going to tell him what he can and can’t do. If he decides he wants to, I want to help him set it up!
I’ve done a lot of research about this. I’m not sure if what I’m looking for is polyamory (I don’t think so) or just some outside fun (maybe?) or just something like “monogamish” (Dan Savage term) but Jihoon and I are going to find out together.
Here we go, world. What a journey!
*Jihoon is not his name! I will protect your privacy, my love! xoxoxo