We know that being single can sometimes feel lonely, but trust us, you’re definitely not alone. Over 41 million people in the U.S. have tried online dating.

We spoke to five of them to see how they’re currently feeling about the world wide web of dating. In part one of this two-part series, we ask our very diverse group of daters about their dealbreakers, what kind of messages turn them on/off, and what they’re looking for from online dating.

Check out what they had to say, below.

 

What are some dealbreakers or red flags when you’re looking at profiles? 

Guys with kids, sex profiles, open relationships, and couples looking for a third–those off the bat get pushed aside. Also, guys who don’t take the time to fill out their profiles. If you can’t commit to putting anything down in writing then I’m left with the impression you don’t really want to be doing this.

Diving a little deeper: Guys who make demands in their profiles. “You should be…” is just such a turn off for me. I get the sentiment but I just don’t like the tone. I realize this such a subjective hang-up, but it’s there! haha.

What makes you want to send someone a message when you’re browsing profiles? 

Honestly, if I found myself laughing at their profile I will message them. Those things are hard to write and are a commitment to fill out fully. So if you did it well enough to be entertaining, then I bet you’re also pretty awesome in person.

Are there any key items you look for immediately on someone’s profile?

Just to make sure they are listed as single (not in a relationship, open relationship etc). If I click on a profile, I read the whole thing. I find them pretty interesting.

What are you looking to get out of online dating? 

The golden question: What am I looking for?! I’m looking to date. I want to get to know someone see if we get along and if we’re interested beyond just a drink. To be honest, I have a hard time getting it up for someone I can’t hold a conversation with or laugh with.

 

What are some dealbreakers or red flags when you’re looking at profiles? 

For the photos I look for either end of the spectrum – either too vain or not caring enough about their photo. It’s astonishing how many people don’t take a decent photo showing their face that is high resolution and well-lit. That alone is usually a dealbreaker, if they can’t work technology well enough to have filled out their profile.

Which brings me to the written part: it has to be fully filled out. Not in a jokey way, not with every answer being sarcastic.

People who brag about their fitness routine, who claim that their offspring are the center of their lives, or who reference that their life will only be full when the reader of the profile are in it are all red flag people.

Fear, insecurity, misogyny, laziness, inadequately having confronted their privilege in life, not having worked out their work/life balance, these are all turnoffs that I just psychic from someone’s written material.

What makes you want to send someone a message when you’re browsing profiles? 

Severe intelligence without much geekiness.  Someone with a lot of breadth to their personality, multiple interests.  Brilliant, eccentric. Emotional intelligence.   Someone who doesn’t say any of the normal, generic things that people say in dating profiles.  I do look at the Mesh number and the friend% and foe% – but honestly I’ve found that a high number just means good friends, and that a lower number (but not too low) often contains the kind of tension necessary for sexual attraction.  I’m not going to lie – a hot photo helps, though I like real men (by which I mean – real people – not overly affected), a hot photo of someone with a gym body who is all neatly groomed just doesn’t do it for me.

Are there any key items you look for immediately on someone’s profile?

Yes, I look for whether they drink regularly, since I’m not down with alcohol culture, but not down with abstinence either.  I also look to see if they answered the question about being willing to date overweight people, since I’m about 15 pounds overweight, and even if I weren’t I wouldn’t want to date someone for whom a few extra pounds is a dealbreaker. Also, since I’m poly and in an open relationship, I look for people who are also poly, or who are open to dating someone who is in a relationship.

How do you filter your messages online? Are there any red flags when you read a message that make you not want to respond?

I filter out cut and paste messages. I really love that feature on Mesh. That’s pretty much the only filtering I have set, because I’m pretty tolerant of everything else and I trust my ability to decide on my own.

Yeah I immediately do not want to respond when guys preface their message with “Hi beautiful” “hey pretty lady” “hey angel” “hi darling”. I smell Nice Guy Syndrome, and they are opening with a compliment that I am expected to pay them back for in some way.  It’s a dead giveaway for douche.

However, I always respond.  90% of the time I say “Thanks for the compliment, but I’m not interested.”

What are you looking to get out of online dating?

Meeting more people and practicing communicating, practicing relationships of all kinds, figuring out what I’m attracted to.  I don’t have any specific rules about what relationships can evolve into other than my agreements with my primary partner.

 

What are some dealbreakers or red flags when you’re looking at profiles? 

If they have a man bun, but no beard, chances are I’m not gonna be into it. Man bun + beard = virility. I’m ok with that. Also, I’m a shorter guy, so if anyone is 6-foot or above, I’m just gonna automatically assume you won’t be into me, so therefore I won’t even look at you.

When your profile is way too long, rambles on, and has tons of typos and lols and ums and basicallys and literallys in it, I’m gonna swipe left. I also hate it when every picture of you is with a group of friends.

What makes you want to send someone a message when you’re browsing profiles?

Kindness in their eyes + plus something enticing in their profile, such as things we have in common or some tidbit that piques my interest.

Are there any key items you look for immediately on someone’s profile

In order: All the profile pics, their height, their smoking status (smoking is a deal breaker), their star sign because I believe in it when it comes to compatibility, then their profile description, and back to their profile pics.

How do you filter your messages online? Are there any red flags when you read a message that make you not want to respond?

If you message me and I think you’re remotely interesting, I’m gonna respond.

I immediately ignore:

• “Sup?”
• “Looking?”
• “Trade pics?”
• Unsolicited wang pics.
• And something along the lines of, “I just love Puerto Ricans/Colombians/Dominicans/insert nationality & ethnicity here.” It’s gross. Don’t just message me because I’m Latino and you’re in a Latino phase.

What are you looking to get out of online dating? 

Hookups, short term, long term, and even friends.

 

What are some dealbreakers or red flags when you’re looking at profiles? 

Kids. Bad teeth. Overly sexual.

What makes you want to send someone a message when you’re browsing profiles? 

Genuine profile. Maybe a funny one liner.

Are there any key items you look for immediately on someone’s profile?

Religion. Education.

How do you filter your messages online? Are there any red flags when you read a message that make you not want to respond?

I always respond once. I think it takes courage and a real sense of wanting to meet someone to send a message. Therefore I always respect it.

What are you looking to get out of online dating? 

Long term although it is so foreign. I end up with hook ups.

 

What are some dealbreakers or red flags when you’re looking at profiles?

Girls who have boyfriends and are looking for someone to go on dates and have casual sex with because their boyfriends are “fine with them seeing other girls”. Of course they are. I admire people who can function in open relationships but the last thing I need while searching for my special someone is a reminder that other people have already found that someone and now get to look for seconds.

Also, if there is no clear picture of their face then it’s a no go. Kind of like when you are looking for an apartment online and there is only one picture and it’s of the bathroom. Would you go see that apartment?

If a person admittedly doesn’t like to read and that is something they thought was important to share in their profile then that’s a deal breaker for me.

What makes you want to send someone a message when you’re browsing profiles? 

For me, variety is probably what draws me in most. I am the type of girl who has a hockey game going on her computer while watching an episode of Glee on the TV. I enjoy being able to talk a little about lot of things instead of a lot about a few things, so I tend to look for girls who have eclectic interests. In Tinder world, where there isn’t really a profile, I will be more likely to send a message if someone shares pictures of them out doing things instead of selfies in their bedroom or bathroom.

I have been trying to send more messages lately. I used to wait to be messaged first but I have to imagine that other girls do the same thing, which kind of defeats the entire purpose of online dating.

Are there any key items you look for immediately on someone’s profile?

The first thing I check is if they are “bi” or “gay”. I have used online platforms to date men in the past so I have nothing against identifying as bisexual or admitting that you fall somewhere on a spectrum. However, the online dating pool is very large and I find this criteria to be a simple way to narrow the field. When it comes to relationships I connect more deeply with women and can really only see myself with a woman long term. As my focus shifted from just dating to looking for something more long-term, going on dates with men just felt pointless. I know first-hand that bisexual can mean a lot of different things and at 29 I like to reduce my chances of getting excited about someone who ultimately doesn’t see herself ending up with a woman.

I also look at the movies, shows and books a girl likes. If our tastes are too different or she says something along the lines of “I don’t watch television and only like Woody Allen movies” then we probably won’t like each other very much. If a girl can’t watch Sister Act 2 with me from time to time then it’s just not going to last.

Are there any red flags when you read a message that make you not want to respond?

Messages from guys. I am identified as gay, have the two girls dancing emoji and the rainbow emoji in my profile but they try anyway. If emojis can’t protect me, I don’t know what can! Also, messages from couples, I would imagine that all females have to deal with this and often wonder if lesbians get asked more. I would say about one out of every four messages I get is from a couple.

If I’m not attracted to you I’m not going to write back. It is what it is.

If someone just says “Hey”, or “Hi” or “You’re cute” I usually won’t respond. I think it says a lot when someone initiates

What are you looking to get out of online dating?

This has jumped around a lot for me over the years. Now I just try not to have expectations, especially not until we have been out a handful of times. Also can someone explain to me what a short term relationship is and how one seeks that out? What is this magical in-between time where you agree that you aren’t just hooking up, but there’s also no future, but you’re going to ride it out anyway? Maybe you’re moving in a few months? Is that what short-term is for?