Oh mah gaaaaaahhh

This dude is the worst. He looks very little like his profile pics, he just revealed that he’s moving to the Bronx in two weeks (I don’t date long distance) and he’s been talking about Israel for forty minutes. (I GET IT, SAM. YOU DON’T THINK PALESTINIANS ARE PALESTINIANS.   …  MAYBE I DON’T GET IT.)

“So here’s why the term ‘apartheid,’ which you neither used nor referenced, is anti-semitic.”

Obviously, I had not done my work. I, and by extension you, should never be in this kind of situation!

Here are is a list of ways YOU can avoid the trap I found myself in not one week ago.

Pre-date

1. Do your homework.

Look, I get it. All the build-up to date # 1 can be suuuuuuuper boring. I’ve spent way too much time choosing the perfect GIF to send for the exact perfect situation.

It’s a lot of work for what may never actually manifest into an actual date. But here’s the thing: that’s ok. You don’t have to go on every date. If a guy is boring, or a sexy lady reacts to your little jokes with literal interpretations, or that couple you were chatting up mentions that they have a mud room only mud is a euphemism, you don’t have to meet them! I’m not a fan of talking on the phone before you meet someone, but you should definitely chat each other up first.

2. But not TOO much homework.

When I was an idiot of 23, I developed feelings for a young man who went to school in my area, but who lived a state away. We were both on summer break, so we made plans to meet up.

This is why I no longer do long-distance… Detroit, never again… 

Before we had even kissed, we ramped up to emailing and talking every day. This allowed us (or at least me) to develop feelings far beyond the “hey this is a chill thing, eh?” that it definitely should have been. Our hours-long phone conversations, playful texts, and absurdly long emails mutated what could have been a fun, sexy summer fling into a bizarre pseudo-romance where he got freaked out by my affection, but also still wanted to go on that romantic ice wine tour of Ontario. I. Do. Not. Recommend. This. Make sure there’s an actual, in-person connection before you put too much effort into digital romancing.

Good rule of thumb: 3-6 days of messaging and texting before setting a date.

3. Pick a date that’s something you actually want to do.

Only, in the city. And with bike shorts and a goshdamn helmet, you idiots.

Oh, the glory of a bike date! Chat when the bikes are stopped, ride off when the conversation gets stale. I’ve taken multiple dudes on bike dates and while I’ve never actually gone on a second date with any of them, all of the dates have been really fun. I’ve also enjoyed a Christmas market date, a food festival date, and multiple museum dates.

Danger zone, though! Be careful about going on “fun dates” that put you in tooooo much contact with someone who could be described as odious. Hiking is a definite no. In the mountains, no one can hear you grumble “no, I had never considered that fact about Israel.”

4. Have an end time for your dates.

My pulse says it’s time for me to leave.

Ideally, you should be able to extend the date if you’re both having lots of fun. The best first date I’ve ever had started as a brunch date, then extended to putt-putt, a trip to the mall, dinner, a party, then back to my place for awesome smoochies.

It’s always good, though, to have a “rehearsal” or a “dentist’s appointment in the morning” when you want to duck out after that first drink.

5. Make a mad dash for a split check

But Jessica, didn’t you write “I’m a Feminist. Buy my Drink,” one of the most viewed posts on this blog? Yes, I did, and how did you see our stats? *blush*

My philosophy is that, for many, many, detailed reasons, it’s nice to have my date buy my drink. If I suspect, though, even vaguely, that the date is going to go nowhere, I’ll grab that check faster than the liberal media smears Israel, according to Sam. Since most places ask you if you want to open a tab, if you’ve managed to get a read on your date in the first few minutes, go ahead and close that sucker and be ready to dash out. Make it clear that you’re only planning to stay for the one drink – all too many times, I’ve gotten trapped in a snare where I’m nearly done with my beer and my date’s ordered another one without checking in with me, politeness-trapping me for another 45 minutes.

Alright, my pretties, that’s part 1 of this two-part series! I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, when we’ll talk about ways to escape your lame date once you’re already in it!