This has been a year of humbling defeats in a lot of ways. Doors I thought were wide open to me have closed. I’m sure there are windows opening left and right in response, but when you feel like you’ve taken a fall the thought of climbing up to get to those windows is kind of daunting.
Yep. A lot of setbacks. Please be more specific, Jessica. For Christ’s sake, you teach writing. Okay, yeesh. This year has dealt a lot of personal life crap. November brings with it the first anniversary of my dad’s death, and last month my uncle’s poor health finally gave out and he also passed away. Flights home for the weekend were ~$1,000 so I couldn’t go to the funeral. The therapist I found to try to address the low buzz of social anxiety and a sadness I don’t want to claim as depression (but was starting to feel and look a little bit like depression) ended up firing me for not being as poor as she thought I was. “I didn’t expect you’d be going to Europe,” she said, judgmentally. She sucked, but part of being unmotivated in life and needing a therapist kind of bleeds into not finding a new therapist. I’ll do it tomorrow. Next week. Next month. I’ll just drink these beers and eat leftover Indian food with breakfast cereal desert, maybe, instead. Oh, perhaps related to that – I’ve also gone up two pant sizes this year. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my size, but it doesn’t feel like my size. My body feels strange and foreign to me. I’ve also had a lot of weird health issues, though (fingers crossed) those are mostly behind me.
IS PERFECT HERE IS MY CAT PEEBLES” era, it can seem like the people we know have no personal struggles. I’ve gotten messages from people saying simply, “thanks for being open. I feel this way too.” Texting and meeting my friends who I know are in similar situations is another way, because isolation together, while still somewhat isolating, is less bleak. I have a friend who also experienced death and some personal losses this year and she’s been so important to me. We had ourselves a “Dead Dad Father’s Day” at The Cloisters this year and it was lovely. Writing this is a way. As I type this, I am listening to the scratching sound of the bird who sometimes makes a nest in my wall. It’s a comforting sound. I love those birds, in a dirty city wildlife kind of way. Watching them hop around on my windowsill as I eat my breakfast cereal makes me feel light and free, like a Disney princess(‘s spinster aunt.) Maybe God doesn’t close a door and open a window. Maybe God closes a door and opens a bird nest in a wall. I’ll take it.взять срочный займ на карту без отказавзять кредит онлайн
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Leave a commentBut as a teacher you are thriving and growing and being given more and more opportunities. Your colleagues and students find you inspirational. Don’t underestimate this accomplishment. And the kind of teaching we do, which in a way is content-less and skill-based, is an art. You make magic happen in the class, and that can be very fulfilling. Please remember this when you feel like beating yourself up!
Thank you so much <3 That’s an area where I feel really good, even when lots of other stuff is going bad! I always feel good in the classroom! Thanks for your kind words.