Judge That Man By His Schnauzer

Ah, romance. The blood rushes to the cheeks, the palms flutter to perhaps clutch a lover’s for the first time, the bull terrier savagely mangles the chihuahua.

Whaaa?

I am immediately suspicious of anyone who owns a dog that occasionally gets on the news for mauling.

This is not fair, I know. The vast majority of dogs that could easily turn on a child and casually eat its face never do so. Owners claim that breeds like pit bulls and German shepherds are intelligent, friendly, loyal animals who are sometimes forced to become toddler-eaters by cruel owners who socialize them poorly. The German shepherd that chased and attacked me ten years ago seemed very poorly socialized indeed.

What can a man’s pet tell you about the man?

Attack Monster

My cousin trains K9s and watching them perform is incredible. I may be rather nervous while interacting with these beasts (the internal scarring in my leg only dissolved years after my attack) but I know that they’re indispensable work dogs and that the people who own them are often skilled trainers and extremely dedicated people.

Still. Any guy in NYC who owns this kind of dog should be of very low priority. A working dog owner either lives outside the city (gross) or spends half his life running around with his dog to ensure that it gets the exercise it needs to not assault (gross again.) Bottom line: a city dweller who owns one of these has got to sacrifice something, and it’ll probably be you unless you’re also a crazy dog lover.

Non-Murderous Dog

A man who owns one of the “gentle dumb” breeds of dog is the kind of man who will greet you at the door with a cup of sweet chai tea and perhaps play you a melody on the beat up old guitar his father bought in the 70’s. He is a lovely person.

Downsides: he can’t run away to Europe with you on a whim, busking for euro pennies with that old guitar of his. Stinky Charlie needs consistency and can’t be dragged off to Prague. Also, HAIR EVERYWHERE.

Approach with caution. This man falls in love fast. He is basically a gentle dumb man.

Best Animal

Ya got me, I’m a cat person. This man is a kind and well-socialized human who can attend most parties. He will show up at your door with a bouquet of flowers that he bought from a blind woman. Oh, he has his faults, too. Due to his toxoplasmosis, a chronic parasitic illness suffered by all cat owners, he is risk-prone and often speaks harshly to Verizon customer representatives. Sometimes he will attempt to leave the house fully nude. Fortunately, he is covered in an inch-thick blanket of hair.

Rodent

This guy is delusional, believing that a creature too small to properly snuggle could ever care for him. He will be delusional in other ways. He will think that buying food at Whole Foods automatically makes them healthy. He is fairly firmly convinced that his towel is clean. He thinks he has been to Mexico one time. Be prepared for a ton of work with a rodent-owner.

Also, if the rodent-owner’s rodent has rodents, momma rodent will eat her baby rodents in front of you as you shriek in helpless anguish. Be prepared for that.

Lizard

“A lizard is said to be a witch’s best friend.” That is a quote from the first page that came up when I was looking for a picture of a lizard and now I’m terrified. There isn’t much you can do with a witch, ladies. A man who owns a lizard is likely deeply involved in the occult and has no time for you or meeting your friends at your improv show. He will shout out suggestions like “the blood of a virgin” and make everyone feel so uncomfortable.